Microsoft’s AI Now Diagnoses Like Dr. House—Then Sends You a Costco-Sized Bill

Healthcare meets hypercapitalism: Microsoft's latest AI doesn't just play medical genius—it monetizes your diagnosis like a bulk retailer.

The Algorithm That Out-Houses House

Forget bedside manner. This machine learning model delivers brutal medical truths with the snark of TV's most infamous diagnostician—then itemizes your treatment plan like a Sam's Club receipt.

Volume Discounts on Your Vital Signs

Early adopters report 92% diagnostic accuracy (with 100% more sarcastic error messages). But the real innovation? Dynamic pricing that makes your copay fluctuate like a meme stock.

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The system conveniently recommends Azure-hosted MRI scans and LinkedIn-approved therapists. Because nothing says 'patient-first care' like vertically integrated revenue streams.

As hospitals trade stethoscopes for subscription models, one truth becomes clear: In the AI-driven future of medicine, the only thing getting cured is your wallet.