Trump’s 401(k) Crypto Revolution: Bitcoin Soars as Retirement Plans Embrace Digital Assets

Washington shakes as pension funds meet blockchain—the ultimate boomer-millennial financial handshake.

The Policy Pivot

Dust off your hardware wallets: the White House just drafted Wall Street's permission slip to play with crypto. Bitcoin surged 12% on the news as DC whispers confirmed retirement accounts may soon hold BTC alongside traditional assets.

The Fine Print Gamble

Brokerages are scrambling to update compliance docs while crypto exchanges prep 'IRA-friendly' interfaces. Critics warn of volatility risks; proponents counter that inflation makes cash positions riskier than ever. (Spoiler: both sides stand to collect fees either way.)

The Trading Floor Reacts

Futures markets flipped bullish within minutes—Coinbase shares jumped 8% pre-market as analysts revised custody revenue projections. Meanwhile, gold bugs quietly updated their LinkedIn bios.

This isn't your dad's 401(k). Unless, of course, your dad's been yield farming since 2021—in which case, he'll finally get company matching.